Words I Never Really Could Say
by Valexian rose
Summary: All the words in the world aren't enough for me to fully explain to you the wonderment I have of you, the beauty in every bitten lip or nail, the pain I see behind every laugh. Your body is a constant battle ground of soft skin and protruding bones that my hands couldn't hope to fathom.
1. Chapter 1

Stage set in front of a large crowd of parents and their children, light dimming my good friend finding my gaze and giving me a thumbs up through the dark glass of the control room. He flipped the switch, and the lights grew gentler on my back, no longer burning holes into my stiff dress shirt, their applause to my name was short lived when I stepped to the microphone, the small auditorium. I looked up, but couldn't find the stars that were her stormy eyes, not in the faces shrouded in black though I hoped, that she was here, even after our fight.

Then the silence became deafening and I nearly choked on anxiety, but then I drew in a new breath because she stood in the back, my dark jacket falling to her mid thigh, arms crossed and hood up. I swallowed and tenderly grabbed the mic, "These, are all the words I never really could say to the person I love most in the world. And, I'll admit that they seem ugly, that they might be incomplete thoughts, but I don't need complete thoughts when she's around, she makes everything feel right, to me." Silence after a few relatable chuckles, so there it was, her tilted head and blonde hair unraveling before her bun and out the raised hood.

"You, are horrible to me, for me,

A wretched thing I regret ever opening up to,

Showing me the pain I locked down,

Letting me feel all that I could not,

Loving you, a monster before my eyes,

Looking at what we have made together out of ourselves,

I recoiled - And you pulled back,

I shouted - And you soothed,

It wasn't you,

Not you who made me angry,

No it was you who gave me the tenderness,

I hate you and love you for it.

Because after every tear,

After every bruise and hurtful word,

You opened me like a book to a brand new world,

A world in which my pages were being skillfully filled with your perfect calligraphy of love and lust for you that I couldn't contain,

I used you,

You used me, experimented because no one had ever come this close,

In doing that, I saw you for what you were,

Again a monster snarling in that beautiful fury,

Nails scraping and teeth biting,

Your screams are ones I will never forget.

Because through your suffering you managed to tether a rope about my heart,

And when you threatened to sink,

To drown in the violent pools of sorrow and loneliness,

To never again breathe,

You pulled me with you,

And It was only I who was left to kiss away the scars,

My lips to ghost along the pale skin of unseen torture,

You, ruined yourself,

You, brought about the monster inside us both,

We created something beautiful from it all.

In the early mornings,

Fingers to skin,

Calloused to soft,

I was no longer tracing and counting the valleys and peaks of your bones,

No longer digging into the caverns of the vertebrae of your flexible spine,

I didn't have to hold my breath as I felt another scab,

Because the bones in your skin sticking out weren't razor blades enough,

You took one to your soft,

And You bled your soul into my hands.

No longer do I kiss the damages,

I don't paw at you,

I don't ask for much but your eyes,

Those that reflect the most earthy things,

Lush forests of healthy trees,

Jagged bark protecting the soft insides,

The fertile soil beneath our bare feet as we ran from the tide of knives,

Of Hurt.

I swallowed you into the black hole of my adoration,

Took you away to an island of bliss because you believed,

No one loved you,

No one would ever,

Because you only saw that your matted bed head needed to be brushed,

When all I saw was the euphoric smile on your face from the most fantastic high,

You saw a filthiness you couldn't wash from your skin,

As I gazed upon the warm drunk buzz of life,

Of something pure,

Something it hurt to watch you scrub raw,

To watch you despise.

You, are horrible to you,

Incapable of reading the constellations you carved into your own skin,

Of all the repeated words of "Save me" When I was not there,

You drowned yourself in hate because never before had anyone given you a reason not to,

You bled, openly,

Red pearls that dripped from your breathing skin,

You screamed in silence and you broke down,

You repeated those words that everyone else wanted of you,

You changed,

And I, no longer knew what to do.

I, am good for you,

And you to me,

In the way you smile I see it,

Your eyes sparkle like waves upon the purest sand,

All of which i adore,

That I see in you,

All of which you do not.

Look away from the mirror tonight,

When I stop by to take you out,

Get off that rigged scale that never points under 95,

Dress how you want to,

No how you think I want,

Because in the end,

I will undress your soul,

And I will love every bleeding, bruised, and ruined surface of you,

I will show you what it means to be loved,

For nothing in return.

Tonight I will see you,

Of the hour we first understood what it was to feel,

And I will burn the monster we created,

And we will make something beautiful out of the molten glass,

And keep the ashes for ourselves,

Because it's only us,

And that's all it will ever be,"


	2. Chapter 2

I want to tell him, he's amazing, that he's the apple of my eye, the north star, my inner compass, and the most beautiful thing I've ever looked upon. Want to tell him that in this world there's nothing more that could make me smile, that could lessen the weight on my chest, nothing more that could help me finally breathe than that boyish grin of his. But I can't tell him that, not when I'm choked up on that heavy ball in my throat, the one that sears, the one that stabs needles through my skin. I can't tell him just how much he means to me, only in thoughts, because the tears in my eyes are overwhelming and his concern is much more so. So, so I stutter, so I wheeze and curl in upon myself because the words he's said to me have robbed any air from my lungs, and paralyzed the world around us.

Standing in my room, with a knife in my hand, my pocket knife, the one my uncle got me. It's to my chest, handle cool between my fingers, he caught me, again, but didn't approach me for fear I would lash out. Maybe I would. He stands tall but defeated at the other side of my room, back to the closed door, the jacket he wore hanging limply in his grasp, and the white tank that he wears to the gym clinging to his tanned skin. Beauty marks dot his arms, and his chest, little freckles that lightly just his face, and his pouted sensual lips. His eyebrows knitted finely like a sweater together and his deep blue sorrowful eyes locked on me. On my whimpering, on my gasping and pathetic form. He asked me, if I couldn't have it this way, how else would I be rid of my pain? If I could take it from him instead of the cool breeze from the window behind me, if I could rob him of his humanity like I did everyone else.

The issue, was him touching me, and my past, though I don't like to blame, will stay with me forever. I froze up, when I tried not to, and my breath stopped as his gentle lips only ever loved my scarred and too skinny stomach. I was touched, wrongly, violently, sickly, as a little girl, and I couldn't let my lover, do anything other than kiss my head or hand or hold me. Even then it burned.

He assumed it was his fault, or that I didn't like it, want him, need him. And it drove a wedge between us, because I couldn't stand the thought of being loved in the most intimate way by him. Because I was scared, of someone who would never hurt me. To his question, what do I want?

"If my thoughts, were words,

I would express to you the deepest passions

The most terrifying of nightmares,

Things to make your blood go cold,

Things to make you laugh,

If my thoughts, were words,

We would not be standing here with my fear in hand and pain in the other,

Staring each other down across a sea of broken glass in burning ships.

If my thoughts were words, Tobias,

I could tell you the heat that rocks through my body at every kiss,

Or when you tell me those words that I only heard from my mother,

How I feel alive,

If they were words I could answer your question,

How I want it,

Want you,

Want us,

Want this between us, instead of sheets.

That instead of just how much love you can give me,

Instead of sensory overload,

I want the sky,

The baby blue to fracture under the weight of your lust,

I want your sin,

The demonizing and the forbidden to lick and kiss every part of my damaged soul,

I want your soul,

Hot and sticky like pure honey to burn like hot wax into every crack of me,

In which the glue could never touch,

Never hope to repair.

I want your breath,

Against my cheek like the steady summer night's breeze when you sleep,

Your eyes to light,

The way the fireflies would as we catch them,

Your heart to beat,

Like the deep tide pools of your soul that rush to pull me under,

To pull me to you,

Like opposite ends of magnets,

Jet to you with issues,

Never longing to get away.

I don't want to feel like this anymore,

If my thoughts were words, I'd tell you,

How deeply you shattered the earth when you first said my name,

What you roused when you took my hand in yours and traced every scar,

I'd tell you,

How deep my love is for you,

Deeper than your secrets,

Deeper than the seed of lust you implant to me,

Deeper than our hopes for the future.

I don't want to flinch,

As you ghost my skin with your lips,

As you taste all of which I have given to you,

Afraid of your teeth sinking into my skin,

Your unquenchable Lust ripping me apart even as your name echoes off the walls.

I want,

To teach you how it is to learn of every damage curve of my body,

How to love without loving,

It is in everything,

And it is careful, delicate, gentle, nurturing,

I am broken, and finally repairing,

I apologize for every wince,

Every flinch,

Every hiss,

Every jolt,

Cut,

Scratch,

Bite,

Scar,

And every thought that rushes through my mind,

Because the very first man

Ruined me.

Every breath of hesitance is fear of your dislike,

Because I know now what it is to be loved,

I grip the thin sheets to our emotions hard enough to rip,

Crying out at night,

Alone and vulnerable to the thoughts of disgust,

Of your distaste,

Of your unwantedness of what you finally get to see,

I don't want to fear that,

I want to love you.

I want to love you,

And If my Thoughts, were so much more than words,

I'd tell you so much more,

Than what it is to gaze upon the surface of my skin,

I'd tell you more,

Than just how good you make me feel,

I'd tell you more,

If only my thoughts,

Were more than just thoughts."


End file.
